| I SO SO SO MISS MOM!
Wish she didn't die so I can feel all great again.
I am sick of feeling so crap everyday. |
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| This is going be my ramblings journal. So I am going tell something that been going on inside my mind since...
Couple of weeks after mother's death.
One night, I dreaming that my hamster, Beast, was escaped from his cage. He running around then Tiffany Panko, my friend, accidently step on my hamster. He died. I cried so hard.
Then, my friend, Charles Palmer, went get my mom from somewhere while I was sobbing in my hands and thinking, how sucks my life is after lost mom then my pet, Beast.
I saw mom standing there. I stopped crying and jump to my feet and run to her. I hugged her so tightly. And starting to saying I miss you so much I miss you I miss you I miss you...
She smiling... so beautiful like she is an angel for a moment.
Then, I kissed her forehead (Note: I realized that it is what I did to my mother at her wake. I never kissed my mom since when I stop being a little girl. So, when I was saying goodbye to my mother at wake. I kissed her forehead several time. That's something I don't normal do when she's alive... And I did that in my dream...)
She told me to come with her. We are in her room. She pointed to something on floor and telling me that it's for me. I turned myself to mom on her bed. I told her I miss you.
That point where everything is so real somehow. I just do remember everything and every details.
She looking me smiling a little then look down and be silent for couple of seconds. I start wondering what she's thinking. Then just like she read me by looking back to me.
She asked me, "How did I die?"
I didn't expect this question. I slow reply her, "... heart-attack" I signed it in little slow pace and nodding my head and look straight in my mother's eyes when I say it.
She looks a little surprise and more of like.. "Oh" look.
Then, I decide to explain a little more of how she having heart attack by telling her that it's from blood pressure. When I said blood pressure, I could see how she react to it although she said nothing. Her expression was like yea I am not surprise, then I told her... blood pressure and your artery closed up. That expression, she looks a little shock and same time she finally know what she died from.
That's when my bed alarm went off.
Ever since, I wondering if it was my mother that came to me in my dream to ask me how she died? If so, why she came to me? And, if so, why didn't she come back again to let me say some final word or hearing her saying some final words? I just want have one more time with her in my dream. Because I know it's real... those moment when she asked me how she died. I know that I am with her for real somehow.
All I can ask from life is just let me see and talk to my mom in my dream on my birthday this monday, November 5th. |
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“The death of a mother is the first sorrow wept without her”
“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.”
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| I been thinking...
I really want to finish this semester. I am going wd some classes and have set up some structure for rest of the class. I should be okay since the semester almost finish. I feel much better when I return to home and sort out some stuffs around home.
I really want to finish this fucking semester.
Warning:
This xanga might will be my new rambling journals for now. I need to vent it out and I don't care who reading it or whatever. So... if you get sick of my ramblings.. don't read. Simple as this.  |
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Mom...
I just want to say this...
I really really really really miss you so much.
I feel like where are you when I need you the most. I know you are here with me in spirit and everything like that. But, shit... life is already tough without you....
I want you back right next to my side.
I love you mom.. SOOO much!
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